


Go on Living

by MyrddinDerwydd



Series: Vakara Ryder [6]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alien/Human Relationships, Child Loss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Loss, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyrddinDerwydd/pseuds/MyrddinDerwydd
Summary: A brief prompt fill from the MEFFW discord "Go on living," focused on Ryder and Jaal being concerned about Torvar's babies/eggs.
Relationships: Jaal Ama Darav & Female Ryder | Sara, Jaal Ama Darav & Ryder, Jaal Ama Darav/Female Ryder | Sara, Jaal Ama Darav/Ryder, Torvar (Mass Effect)/Angaran OC
Series: Vakara Ryder [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1340209
Comments: 15
Kudos: 13





	1. Missing

Torvar had kind of disappeared. For a week. Well, they hadn’t literally disappeared as far as Ryder knew, but she’d gotten accustomed to hearing from her friend on a near-daily basis despite being star systems apart.  _ Should I ask Jaal? Maybe, but I’d feel nosy.  _ Her omni-tool pinged.

[Torvar: I have been having a tough week, Vakara. It was kind of you to check on me, but I do not want to talk about it yet. It is personal, and stressful, and horrible. I am okay, and Rollu is fine. So are Kiiran and the others, because I know you will ask. The new section of the project looks good, I will send you notes tomorrow. - fondly, T]

_ Whoa. That doesn’t sound good. _ Ryder swiped out a reply as she paced the ring of the observation deck on the Tempest. It would probably reach Torvar in only an hour or so since they were near Aya and its communications relay. 

[VR: I would give you a hug if I was there, and I know you’ll work through this, whatever happened. We’ll be near Aya for a few more days if you want to call Jaal. Take care of yourself, the project can wait. - V] 

Ryder blew out a sigh as she sent the message.  _ I hope it isn’t anything with the babies. _

“Hey Ryder,” Vetra’s voice called up from the next deck down. “Can you come help with the Mako?” 

“Sure, coming down.” Ryder called back. 

Later that same rotational cycle, a droopy-looking Jaal mobbed her with an enveloping hug in the hallway by her room. Vakara wrapped her arms around Jaal, hands pressing into the muscles of their back. 

“Is this a normal tired ‘I missed you’ hug or is something wrong?” Ryder’s voice was muffled by Jaal’s shirt - they had a habit of pulling her in against their chest, despite her much shorter height. The fact that they did it now said they were paying more attention to their own thoughts than to her. 

“Thank you for telling my  _ sholaon _ where we were so they could call, Vakara.” Jaal’s voice had a rougher edge than normal, one that rang of pain. 

Jaal’s  _ tsiddvfira  _ flickered over Ryder a little wildly, raising the hairs on her arms.  _ Shit, something bad definitely happened. _ She loosened her hold on her own ambient biotic field a little, allowing Jaal’s emotions to flood into it through their  _ tsiddvfira _ . She immediately sucked in a hard breath as deep sorrow hit her, throwing her back to the pain of nearly losing her brother. Tears sprung to her eyes and she tightened her arms around Jaal, blinking rapidly to hold in the tears. 

“Yeah. Gods… Okay.” Ryder cleared her throat roughly. “Couch, now.”  _ Torvar said they were okay. It’s fine. Antony’s fine. We’re all fine.  _ She started tugging Jaal toward her room - with difficulty - until they finally loosed her, heaving a sigh. 

Lexi appeared in the hallway behind Jaal, then stuck her datapad back behind the shielded medbay door when she saw the storm of energy arcing around the two of them like angsty grey smoke. 

“Ryder, Jaal, is everything alright? Do you need my help?” Lexi sounded calm and professional, but her forehead furrowed in concern. 

“No, but I’m sure it will be, Lexi.” She tried to keep her voice from cracking and succeeded - barely. “Sometimes you just have to let it all out and go on living.” 

Jaal sighed a sorrowful groan that flared violet streaks of love in a low, deep rhythm through the grey miasma of energy around them. “That’s what I told Torvar too. Focus on living, let the loss pass on.” 

_ Definitely something with the babies.  _


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Warning for frank but non-graphic discussion of a miscarriage for an alien species._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words in Shelesh are italicized, with translations as hover text on the web, and available in the notes on mobile (it isn't possible to code these for mobile in AO3 html). E.g. _mysen._ See endnote for a list of translations.  
> Connected to the _[Angaran Expansion Project,](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1458790)_

_Less than an hour before…_

Torvar and their partner Rollu curled into each other on the couch when Jaal’s call request came through. Of the two angara, green-skinned Rollu was slimmer built, but with the broad, heavier curves to their _jinesh_ that were the norm in families native to the humid jungle-dominated Havarl.

"You should have called Jaal sooner, _dibellen,_ " Rollu chided gently, voice still holding much of the clipped Kadaran dialect of their parents. 

_"Bi, bi, bi,_ I wanted to and you know it," Torvar sighed back. _"Ddy mysentej_ were uncertain where they were, and I wanted an answer first before I talked to Jaal." _I can only go through explaining this so many more times…_ Their voice was deeper than Rollu’s, rolling with the long tones of Havarl that Torvar had never quite picked up.

Jaal’s broad shoulders and glowing blue visor flickered onto the viewscreen on the wall of the narrow room. The short edge immediately fritzed into a series of waveforms that served as a rough translation of an angara’s bioelectric field - their _tsiddvfira._ It wasn’t perfect, but the rhythms and frequencies were familiar enough from in-person experience to be recognizable. Most comm sets didn't have the capability, as the tech tended to have a short lifespan. Angara expressed their emotions in many ways, not just _tsiddvfira_. Jaal was happy and a little concerned, that much was clear.

 _"Oko, shola!_ Rollu! It is good to see you both," Jaal rumbled. "Your message seemed like something might be wrong. You normally talk a hole through my head when I'm home, not away."

Torvar’s own _tsiddvfira_ felt overloaded lately, like the rest of their body, and a flare of sorrow sent off visible arcs of bioelectricity across their light blue skin. "We only have two eggs, as of yesterday. Not three."

Rollu pressed their _jinesh_ to Torvar’s in the thick pause that followed, an intimate gesture of comfort and support. They leaned into Rollu, letting their touch soothe away some of their stress. Tears welled in Jaal’s eyes on the screen and the waveform translation glitched before snapping down to a deep signal of grief.

 _"Skutt…"_ Jaal’s shoulders rose and fell in a deep sigh. They reached up and removed the visor from their _jinesh. "Joh’shay fasavfi amave kapi…"  _ The words came out slowly, full of the shared sorrow they conveyed. "Are you alright, Tor? Were you injured, or ill?" Jaal ran an anxious hand over the top of their head, an obvious sign of stress. "What did _myset_ Fela say?"

"No, it just… happened, Jaal." Torvar ran a hand over their head too, exhausted. _They’re gone. One of my first oogomji, and I’ll never see them grow. _ Their other hand pressed lightly over their _hoven,_ the pouch currently empty. _"Myset_ had us shift the other two _oogomji_ to Rollu right away. Stars, it felt awful! Like every part of me knew something was wrong, and I could do nothing! It shrunk, and warped, and then it vanished, Jaal!" Tears ran down their face and into the curves of their _jinesh_ as they sobbed the words.

Rollu pulled Torvar into their arms, leaning back on the arm of the couch, shedding quieter tears of their own. They picked up where Torvar left off, letting them cry, face buried in their shoulder. "Feladyr says this is normal Jaal, I swear. We have seen them at least 10 times in the past three days. I trust that Tor reabsorbing the egg was necessary." Rollu’s wan smile conveyed as much exhaustion as confidence, but their _tsiddvfira_ was a steady calm that flickered onto both angara. "It has been good for me to carry the _oogomji_ too, but Tor’s body needs them right now. Two wonderful, healthy, smooth, eggs, without a crack or hard spot, right _dibellen?_ Rollu ran a soothing hand constantly up and down Torvar’s back.

"Yes…" Torvar muttered into Rollu’s shoulder, burrowing their face in deeper. "It is not the same…" _I need them back, all of them, and I cannot have them._ Myset _said today. My two little_ ongaang _will be back with me today._

"Tor, it is alright. We all cry with you." Jaal’s deep voice was soft, their shared grief an almost soothing empathy. "You have Rollu, and by the end of the season you will have two wild little _osaang_ climbing your neck. Focus on living, let the loss pass on like the wind, _shola."_

 _"Eddo,_ Jaal. We know, right Tor?" Rollu asked.

Torvar sighed and tucked themselves between the back of the couch and Rollu’s body, smoothing their hand over their partner’s lightly bulging abdomen. Their _hoven_ had swelled since they first transferred the eggs _haujy_ days ago, but it was still stretched fuller than their own that had carried the three eggs for 15 days. They were past the halfway point now, at 21 days. _One more week and their shells will dissolve normally, freeing the two kits to squirm inside of me. Two weeks and they should be out,_ passivretim _and discovering the world in my arms._

"Yes, and then they can be a joyous bother to the whole family instead of just us." Torvar snipped. _Another head-splitter coming on from crying and hormones. Wonderful._ Their _tsiddvfira_ crackled with grouchiness, dampened as Rollu pulled the excess energy to themself.

Rollu chuckled fondly, followed quickly by a low laugh from Jaal.

"That sounds more like you, Tor." Jaal wiped the drying tears from their cheeks. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Torvar narrowed their eyes at the screen, hand still protectively covering Rollu’s abdomen. "You can help watch them, and not be off-world so often--" They interrupted themself with a sigh. "I know why Jaal, do not give me that look. The Resistance and Pathfinder Ryder are important. So is family. Will you ever settle down and learn that?"

Jaal and Rollu shared a look, the slim angara’s _tsiddvfira_ flickering into frequencies of a resigned amusement that Torvar felt clearly as "See what I have to deal with?!" _I know I am_ loma _right now. I want my lost_ oogom back, _and both of the others, and for my body to stop screaming at me that everything is wrong, and lost, and broken._

 _"Eddo,_ for calling, Jaal. Seriously. Tell Vakara for me please?" Torvar added. "I can NOT process figuring out how she deals with this kind of grief right now, alright?" The sorrow in Torvar’s warm tenor voice was softer, but it wouldn't leave for several more days. It would pass eventually though, fading into a painful memory of the loss of their unborn child.

They all shared wan, empathetic smiles before ending the call, Torvar and Rollu still curved together in mutual support on the couch, while Jaal went in search of someone who they knew would willingly share their sorrow, though they only recently learned of angaran _oogomji._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shelesh translations, from the AEP   
>  _Will add soon, coding the hover text was really annoying this timeand I need a drink..._


End file.
